Sacrifice

I am beginning a journey of practicing the presence of God as a form of prayer. (It was suggested by a Pastor). To take quality time thinking about God and pondering on His Word. This weeks reading of the Bible has brought up love and sacrifice. I ask myself often, "do I really love God? I say I do. I feel like I do. But now, I ponder on whether I am getting love mixed up with hope. Could I be hoping God is real and that I will have a relationship with him. Do I give up self to serve Him with a willing heart? It saddens me greatly to realize the true answers are a resounding no. I speak of loving Him with all my heart and soul; but I continue to live as a worldly person when at work or out socilizing. I am filled with anguish knowing that I am weak in this area of my spiritual life. It gives me relief and hope however to know I can repent and ask for Gods power to strengthen me for service. Even in my marriage, I tell others how much I had to give up to be married. Now I know that there is a difference between giving up something for someone you love, and sacrificing for someone you love. At least I think I know. For me to sacrifice means to give up things I love. It is giving up self that I may serve God wholely. Small things like turning off the t.v. when my unbelieving husband is not home. Or going into my study and reading the word when he is watching something I know God does not wish for me to fill my head with. Sacrificing out of love is not joining in at work with the gossip or complaining because I don't want to look like a prude. There are many other ways I can sacrifice my comfort level out of love for God. But I must remember I cannot do this without His spirit within me. Without Christ, I can do nothing. I have proven this to myself over and over. I can pray for my mouth to speak only goodness and two minutes later be mumbling some complaint under my breath at a co-worker; or yelling out the window at a neighbor who is letting her dog use my yard for his bathroom! I can justify that she wrong in doing this; but if I were to ask myself humbly, "what would Jesus do in this situation." I am put to shame and asking for forgiveness. I am not done with pondering on sacrificing out of love. As a matter of fact, it brought up the idea that perhaps I do not understand Godly love as I thought I did. I am looking forward to the coming six months or so of being in the presence of God learning all He has for me to learn about being his disciple. I am hoping as the weeks go by we will see positive, strong and joyful changes in my walk. It is my hope that through this journey I will come to have a very real, honest, mature faith in my belief; and that this growing faith will be built on a personal, strong relationship with my heavenly father and savior Jesus Christ.